Mentoring boys to men.

No, this post is not about that musical quartet from the 80's.

This video from Donald Miller's group, made me think of our beloved little Cameron (pic below), who we as a PCC family have seemed to adopt as our own-of which I am so proud of his mom, Bristol, and our whole PCChurch family, for all the love around him.

The Mentoring Project - Elephant Musth Cycle from The Mentoring Project on Vimeo.

I get to be one of Cameron's official mentors-as I am one of his "God-parents". This is no trite job in my opinion. Coming from andItalian background and having Godparents myself--all I remember about my GP's is that they gave money on my birthday and Christmas. I don't remember the "God-part." As far as I can remember we didn't talk about God, pray, or share anything intentionally spiritual. But when I did see them, they were loving, friendly, and always full of cheek pinches and good food! (As every good Italian does, which we could also argue is deeply spiritual). But for me, I want to be intentional with Cameron in significant ways, (as well as any kid in my life, especially boys: who need to be taught how to be men)! So, when I see Cam, I try to hug him, say that I love him, prayer over him, or remind him of how God has created him for special purposes. (It's not hard to believe when you see him playing guitar and singing).


Tonight at La Tartine, Cameron and I shared a bowl of Chowder and talked 3.5 year old stuff. Later he asked me to take him to the bathroom.
We waited in the cafe hall for the "boys room," and it was taking a long time. Meanwhile..more 3.5 year old convo happened (lots of questions and asking "Why?" when I gave an answer). The guy before us must have had some serious business. The "Girls' room" was open and I suggested it to Cam since we could have easily have snuck in and used it (and honestly I just wanted to speed up the process), but Cameron really wanted to use the "Boys' room," and insisted on waiting. It hit me how monumental that is..using the "Boy's room," it's a rite of passage: another step for boys to feel manly! I loved that little moment! Cameron wasn't about to sell himself short and he was willing to patiently wait. And I'm glad we did!



Intentionality doesn't have to be BIG, it just has to be intentional.

Look into a child's eyes, affirm him/her, put your hand on her/his head and pray a blessing, kneel down and hug a child and ask about their day..then really listen, put a child on your shoulders and parade them around while singing their praises and shouting their name,

Be intentional. Intentionality is a lifetime... and it's a lifetime of five minute interactions, week long trips, two-minute phone calls, three page letters, hour-long conversations, weekend retreats, afternoon adventures...

This is NOT the End of the Road.

Big Boys Don't Cry???

Warning: Soap Box Alert! Some of you may cringe, especially you parents. I must share- this is something I've always thought about doing, but never had the guts to do what I did yesterday. I offered unsolicited parenting advice. Well, not exactly, but here's the story.

My men's group was hanging out in Chipotle for dinner. We were having one of the deepest talks about some of our darkest hours of manhood. No joke, when we overhead a parenting conversation between a mom and her two year old son. They were leaving the restaurant and the little blond haired boy was upset he didn't have his toy to play with as he put his coat on. We heard her telling her son, "Big boys don't cry," and we all looked at each other realizing that WE DO CRY, sometimes. So boldly, with some humor, we had the following exchange:

Mom: Big boys don't cry. Stop crying. We have to leave.
Me: Ma'am, we can't help but overhear and we just wanna say, big boys DO cry... sometimes.
Mom: Do they cry when their dump trucks are taken away prematurely?
Me: Sometimes they do. This guy (pointing to Rocky in our group) just got a new car and he was crying cause his old car was jacked up. But he's happy now.
Rocky: I had a truck and it was a dump.
Me: Cars do make us cry, sometimes, so do girls, broken hearts, and any other time we're sad. Just want to remind you that it's OK for big boys to cry sometimes.
Mom: Your right. It's just an innocent peer pressure tactic that really seems to work his age.

Obviously I don't want to make this a habit but I really felt compelled. Thankfully the mom was receptive and jokingly accepted our quips. Maybe it'll spare this kid years of therapy and his future wife from complaining her husband is emotionally distant. I know from my own experience that these seemingly "innocent tactics" are dangerous and can have lasting, harmful effects. If I had a dollar for every man I know who has emotional issues, including myself, from some stereotypical, misrepresentation of manhood expressed to them growing up, I'd have a lot of money to give away. Regardless, I know parenting a toddler is hard and I pray grace on this mom and her son and the ability to live (and parent) with God's help and power.

No grunting necessary

Maybe medieval boys celebrated it when they got their armor and a nice slap with a sword. And I'm sure boys within tribal communities experience this when they're presented with bow and arrow (or some other weapon that can clobber) and the right to hunt. But today, here in 21st century America, we really don't have anything that's a regular, exercised part of our culture. Although some wrongly think it's about belching, grunting, farting, money making, pumping iron, and womanizing.

I'm talking about lost celebration of bestowing true manhood. I mean, I never had anything like what I read in this great book (which is a must read for all men, especially dads of sons):
Although not the most eye catching cover art in the world, the content is amazing. I read it single in my early-mid twenties. This book helped me figure out my manhood. It talks about fathers intentionally teaching their sons (through "threshold celebrations/experiences) how to become men by leading courageously, rejecting passivity, accepting responsibility, and waiting for God's great reward. It thoroughly rejects and doesn't recognize the faux characteristics listed above as true manhood. (If you are male and have never had a type of experience like this-I highly recommend putting something together, it's life changing no matter how old you are. I got to experience and practice what the book taught with the significant men friends in my life. Of whom one is the much missed, new Texan: Matt Nightingale, who actually turned me on to this book).

So the reason I post this is I was invited to participate in such a threshold experience for a boy in our church family who turned 13 this week. His parents arranged a one day journey of meeting (and eating) with Godly men (One of which was PCC's lead pastor, Gary, who has also been instrumental in my life) to talk about what means to be a man (as suggested in the book). For my leg of the tour I took newly turned 13 year old lad and his dad on a mini-hike. It was a very, very, short walk, lets say (in the forest behind where I live), as I didn't tell them ahead of time and so we lacked appropriate hiking gear, namely shoes that would prevent from slipping into the ravine. Nonetheless, it was great as we sat on a tree trunk out in creation and talked about manhood and the great adventure that it is.

* I read from Mark 1 and discussed the example of John the Baptist who led the way for Jesus, and didn't conform to culture. (What a man. A beast of a man who wore crazy clothes and ate crazy things. And he wasn't even in a college fraternity).

* I had Dad and son write letters to themselves to be sent a year from now, about how they want to grow as men. Real men live purposeful, goal oriented lives.

*We listened to Real Men Cry, by the Elms. (And yes it was via my iphone. It's not like we could truly "rough it," I said it was a mini-hike.) Real men are in touch with the way God made them and not afraid to express emotions in healthy ways. And yes, some men are very technically savvy.

* We focused on two attributes of men: Humility and Leadership (displayed in both John the Baptizer and Jesus) .

*We identified Jesus as our great model of manhood. (You knew that was coming). Because Real men are willing to sacrifice and even die for the truth and for God.

*We ended our time picking up large sticks and both the father and I 'knighted" the son (touched his shoulders) by speaking over him with attributes of manhood (integrity, leadership, confidence, etc) and prayed over him.


This is catching on and Dads are taking up the great privilege of leading their sons in our community. I love it.

What do you think about this? This isn't just about men, but women, too. Believe me, I've already starting reading up. (They have many threshold experiences for girls, one is a princess kiss book ala the same thinking ). What was significant in your life to affirm your identity as a man or woman? What did you wish you would have had? If you are a parent do you have any ideas? School me.

Hope and encouragement in an email

I received this email the same day Kyle died. God knew this week would require extra grace and encouragement for me. What seemed "random" came at the right time with specific and strategic purpose. As I read it I get chills. I've been sitting on it all week and now, (with permission from sender) I get to share it.
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To Tony Gapastione
Dear Friend,

I call you friend though we have never met, and I have prayed for you and truly thanked our Lord Jesus Christ for you many, many times in this past year. I'm sure you have no idea how blessed my life has been because of you and the impact you had on one individual some years past.

My name is Livie. I lived in Northern California nearly my entire life until one year ago when i moved to Poland to teach English at a Christian language school. I ended up involved in an international English speaking church where I currently serve as a ministry intern. I knew that coming here would impact my life, and that this was truly the path God had for me. But for all the blessings that God has given to me over this year, there is one that cannot be compared to any other.

Over the course of this past year, it was through working with the young adults ministry that I met an amazing individual leading that group who used to attend PCC named Krzysztof Piotrowski aka Chris Columbus to his friends.

Chris has been an amazing part of our church here in Warsaw, and often speaks of his time in California and makes mention of you and the impact you've had on his life. Apparently his time there did an awful lot to shape his perspective on ministry, the great commission and how we as Christians are to live that out. Chris does live this out. He also knows what it is to love people and care about them. These two things have made him such a vital part of our church and impacted my own understanding of ministry and caring for others in an unbelievably big way. Every Sunday he gathers people to go for coffee after service just to connect with them and get them talking about faith and life and helping to integrate these two things because this is what he saw an example of during his time in California. I spent over half a year getting to know him and his heart for God. These are the conversations in which he often talked about you.


So for this. Thank you. Thank you for letting God use you. Your impact on Chris's view of ministry and faith lived out has been really big and it has been used to impact not only myself, but also countless lives here in Poland

But there is something else I wanted to say thank you for regarding your impact on Chris's life, and it is perhaps a little more personal in nature. His attitude toward God-honoring relationships between men and women.

Chris says that you, more than any friend, relative, or pastor, has had a bigger impact on his views of relationship, purity, and marriage than anyone. He says that having been able to talk with you about what good healthy relationships between men and women look like, the kind that honor God and are something truly beautiful, made a difference in his perspective. But then also, getting to see that you lived this out in your life, he says really made all the difference in the world as far as wanting that. Willing to strive for that, willing to wait for that, and he has been.

It is for that, as Chris's fiancee, soon to be wife, I especially wanted to say thank you.

Thank you for your willingness to be used by God to touch Chris's life.



I, who have been a Christian nearly my whole life, have never been in such a Godly relationship as I have been with Chris. Never have I found anyone so committed to seeking to honor God with everything in the relationship, especially in Godly devotion to the other person and to purity. We both realize that honoring God comes first, and that by honoring and being committed to God we are able to honor each other and from that comes this amazing relationship and love that is something so beautiful. Every time we talk, we delight in praying together, studying God's word, and now are looking forward to the days and years ahead when we don't have to go home to different addresses. But for the time being, we are both so delighted at the joy that comes from having a relationship/engagement that is pure and right before our Lord.

Often we never know where the people God places in our lives will go, what will happen to them or even how we were used in their lives. Yet I wanted very much to be able to share this with you, the blessing that you have been in one Polish guy's life and those around him who've been touched by him because of that, especially the one he'll be sharing his life with.

So simply... thank you. God bless you for your impact on Chris's life and mine.

In Christ,

Livie

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I don't share this to toot my horn by any means. I want to toot God's horn. It's all about what he did in Chris' life and how we at PCC got to be a part of it. (1 Corinthians 3:7).

I can't tell you enough how encouraging this email was for me. Getting an email like this is so rare. I replied back to Livie and have been back in touch with Chris. It gave me some added encouragement to keep doing what God has called me to do. Stories like this remind me to boldly speak and teach God's word for we can see some results here in our time as well as on the other side of eternity. I love challenging and preparing people for the future. I would have never guessed how God would use my meeting Chris in 2001. Not only am I stoked he's a Godly man and getting getting married to a Godly woman, but he loves ministry and coffee!