Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Suicidal Thoughts Part 2

Interruptions are good and necessary parts of life.

Children in our bed at night, unexpected visitors, housecleaning.

Sometimes the interruption of life is death.

It seems weird and twisted to be writing about death, especially suicide, on the eve of Thanksgiving.

But it's necessary.

For one, I have to finish this post.
I gave some thought to not writing a part 2, but since I started a "part 1,"
And number two, I want to follow through because it's part of my reflection/grief process.

So, it's been five weeks. Thirty five days since I got that awful phone call. Since the shock of death by my beloved Grandma's own hand (still hard to say/write). (BTW if any readers want to ask questions, talk about it, I welcome it).

I'm still finding myself in a weird fog. Some days I'm too tired to even think about "it," and other times I just don't. I've got meetings, tasks to complete, and kids at my heels.  But occasionally the fog lifts abruptly and awkwardly like a mom pulling the blankets off her oversleeping teenager.

I'm interrupted with having to think, having to grieve.

I saw this (sorta cheesy), picture frame in a store and got choked up. ** Interruption.**

 On Halloween I was eating some candy corn and remembered how since I was a kid (up until last year), she would call/leave a message on Halloween saying, "I VANT to suck your blood, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ehhhh," in a "Transvlannian accent." ( I loved it!).  ** Interruption.**

And then in random moment, one of my kids will casually and uncomfortably ask,  "Who's going to die next?" and it's over. **Interruption**

So in one sense, I just want to be DONE with the sad interruptions that nip at me like a mosquito.

And go back to being normal. But then, I realize this could be the new normal.
 I'm finding these little biting reality checks remind me I'm human. Maybe they're actually more normal, and life-giving,  than not. (Because let's be honest the "old normal," could have just been a lame routine oblivious to things God wanted to see).

 I need to learn to be present. I need to choose to breathe and breathe deeply and see those interruptions as opportunities to have Holy Spirit experiences.

 It hit me walking through some construction in Redwood City. I recorded some thoughts on a  VLOG here.

God is ever present with us, with you,  with me. He's fully in tomorrow, next week, and every decade from now and forever. But somehow a lie creeps in that if I can just get to some magical place, that's not this moment, that it will all be OK. I'm learning, and trying (not always successfully), to welcome interruptions and actually linger within them, knowing that I'm on a journey with God. He's with me.
 (Which leads me again to plug one of the best encouraging daily reading books called, "Jesus Calling."  Here's a page that gave me perspective this week.

One clarification. I do think there's a difference between God's interruptions  (to speak, heal, make us aware etc), and a distraction of temptation and lies.
I''ll write another post about those distinctions some day, in the not so distant future.

For now, I just need to be present...and thankful.

(And trust God will do his thing. This (overplayed) song often interrupts me emotionally, too, and I can't hold back the tears.  He makes all things good. He makes all things new. He makes all things beautiful).

Happy Thanksgiving.

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