Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Congratulations & Condolences

This has been such a sacred....and strange season of life. 

Not only am I leaving my job in May, but we will move out of our house at the same time (we've lived in the same house for ten years, it's all our kids have known).

Transition/change ....is a beast. ....or a..... &%^$*#  
(insert your expletive of choice if you're of the swearing persuasion).

Joking aside, I really do love change. I love new things. I love trying new food, meeting new people, visiting new cities, and switching up routines. 

(Although when I find my favorite cafe, I plant myself there, make it my office and mark my territory like a dog).

But season of life has been REALLY strange. Everything about my life is changing and what has been defined is being re-defined. What was put-together is unraveling. It's a wild space in which to live. I actually like it, at times. But where it gets difficult is when I "try" to explain it.

Since I resigned to leave my job after twenty-years, people have wanted to talk about it... and of course I jump at the chance because I'm living this story and want to blab about it.

Here's a couple ways these conversations start:

#1-Congratulations, you must be so excited to start a new adventure!


#2-I'm so sorry, it must be so hard to leave without knowing where you're going to work or live.  

And HONESTLY.... it's both. Yes!

Congratulations and condolences are in order.
Because it is both exciting and sad, thrilling and scary.

After having these conversations day after day, with multiple people...I can get  in my own head. Usually I'm OK with the unknown, but there will be these random moments where I think, "What am I doing!!????" I should have this all figured out by now!"

 I can get drained having the same conversations over and over (that's partly why I'm blogging to get the info out there) with not a lot of specific things to say about the future. But the up side is... talking helps me process. (I'm an external processor).

And Sometimes, I feel angsty because I wish I could have more sit down conversations with people instead of just writing blogs :)

AH!!! It's crazy-making.

But in this time of the unknown for the future, here's how I deal with my discouragement or exhaustion:

Remember from my posts a few weeks ago?

I'm an optimist, sometimes to a fault! I believe things will always work out, that's how I live (read: cope).  I believe God will work this out. I really do. (While I work hard to follow up every lead and prepare as best I can).

Here's the reality of time: I still have three months of work and then another month or two after that to pack up our stuff, find a new house to rent and move our family.

 I don't really know much more after that. Lots of people say time will go by so fast, and on my end it just feels like it is dragging on. Have you ever heard of LONG DAYS, SHORT YEARS? Ya, that!

But here's some more hope that keeps me expectant!

Richard Rohr describes this time as LIMINAL SPACE 

"...where we are betwixt and between the familiar and the completely unknown. There alone is our old world left behind, while we are not yet sure of the new existence. That’s a good space where genuine newness can begin. Get there often and stay as long as you can by whatever means possible…This is the sacred space where the old world is able to fall apart, and a bigger world is revealed. If we don’t encounter liminal space in our lives, we start idealizing normalcy. The threshold is God’s waiting room. Here we are taught openness and patience as we come to expect an appointment with the divine Doctor."


I know I need openness and patience. 
And I am anxious to see this new world revealed. 
I want to grow in this time! I want to be full of peace, not bitterness or worry. I can't wait to look back and see the beautiful and amazing things God does!

Thanks for reading!

What season is it for you? 
Congrats? Condolences? 
Both? Liminal Space?

King Solomon said:
There is a season for everything, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to hurt, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;  a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;  a time to cast away, and a time to gather together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;  a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;  a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. 

Ecclesiastes 3 

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Stories can heal the world. A short 3 minute film.

❤️ Stories can heal the world! Don't be defined by your pain! Don't let your past stand in the way of your future. 🚀 Every minute of your life is worth something and is part of a greater narrative! You were created for MORE! (All these words have impacted my life)!

 Proud to be in this 3 minute short film from my filmmaker friend Lydia Isnanto! (I share this with the blessing of my mom who was the first one to see it!)

Friday, February 09, 2018

Jumping into the arms of Hugh Jackman..I mean...Jesus (Big news Part 2)

Part 2 of 2 (make sure you read what I posted yesterday).

We have this saying around our church. 

We say it on Sundays at the end of our gatherings: May you jump into the arms of Jesus…. (Let me stop right here).

I like this image.

I like the jumping out, the soaring, flying... into God’s loving arms. Because the way I see it when you jump---the next think you do, after a big warm hug, is take his hand and go out into the world to brave all it’s adventures, pains, hopes, and uncertainty...with him.

Twenty years ago almost exactly, I jumped with Jesus from Illinois to Redwood City, California to come serve as an intern with a church, PCC,  in California. It was a dream come true. I graduated college, filled my sea green Toyota Tercel up with all my belongings (basically clothes and CD's. I didn't even have a cell phone, but I did have a word processor ) and drove myself out to sunny California, (something I had dreamed about since I was a young kid).

And my LIFE WAS CHANGED by God in so many ways.

I’ve served, led, been healed and formed in this same church community that I've been a part of since 1998. I grew up here. I've spent HALF MY LIFE HERE!!! What?? I met and married my wife here. I started my family here. Wow. I feel so encouraged with all that God has done and the kingdom work we’ve accomplished with my friends and colleagues here. I served in India, Africa, Italy, and Mexico. I got my Masters, I got ordained, I officiated so many weddings, baptisms, dedications, and funerals that I can't even count. Truly, overwhelmed just thinking about it. I have to include some pictures to illustrate just how much fun I've had!

My favorite part is that new dreams have been birthed in me over my twenty years, and new paths have been forged for my future.  

My world view has broadened in my travels around the world. My theology has grown and been expanded. I’ve been able to explore and experiment with my skills and abilities in the arts, and it seems God has brought me full circle to dreams that he planted decades ago, something long buried in my heart. (More on this in the coming weeks).

So here’s the big, exciting news!
I resigned from my job with PCC.

Writing that out is so weird. I've had this ONE full time job for half my life!
I've never had to "resign" before. It feels so final and sad, and it kinda is.

But I am so full of hope and excitement for the future.

It took a lot discussion and prayer with my wife, trusted friends and mentors.

It’s time to JUMP once again, and move on to the next adventure.

It all became clear in December. Not the Christmas gift I was expecting, but it was the perfect timing.  Our church is growing and changing and I, along with our lead team
of pastors have been working hard to move our organization to what we believe is our future. I got to help shape things and cast vision and I thought I would be
on that bus headed there right along with everyone else.  But God used things in the process in the later part of 2017 to make it obvious to me that I had completed my mission! Pray for our church as we move through these changes. It's right...but still hard.

But God spoke so clear to me. It was a matter of hours that I knew. And so I made it official.

I resigned.

But...We are not sure exactly where we are going or what we are doing….yet.
That’s the crazy thing.

(But thanks to Hugh Jackman, and what I know of God's character, I'm expecting the end to this story is going to be amazing).

I had always figured it would be obvious when it was my time to hang up my PCC hat. I always thought like other normal people I would safely jump from one job to the next... I wanted things to be secure for me and my family. But God was clear with us. Step out. In faith. Trust. JUMP!

In some way I think it's perfect.

Practice what I've been preaching my whole life. Practice what I see so many others who have lived a life of faith and modeled what scripture encourages us to do.

Hebrews 11:8
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

OK. So I guess we’re doing that, too!
We will follow God's leadings,  even when it doesn't make sense.

Sounds good in theory but it's really hard.
I may end up waiting tables (which honestly I like) or working at a production company. I could be consulting or starting other churches, or doing the weekend speaking circuit. (Need my services? Let me know :). I could end up in San Francisco or working in LA.

We don't really know.
See the tension?
Great hope mixed with anxiety...mixed with anxiety.

We live in a home owned by our church. Which means we have to move on and OUT, literally.

We have many perks that come with my job that allow us to live in the most expensive place in the world, and we have to give it all up.

Imagine explaining this to our kids. Lots of curious and strange questions for us and for our kids.

When will be get a house? When will daddy get a new job? When did God tell you? Can I keep all my stuffed animals? When will we know where we’re moving?

We don’t know. But what I do know is…God will provide AND I’ll work my ass off to provide for my family!

I’ve realized to be my best self….(sounds Oprah-like, I know) I need to be writing, performing, directing, and producing media, art, films... my own original stories! I need freedom to express my creativity and tell stories that can reach a larger audience. Over the past five years I've been able to create and develop many film projects and it's reinvigorated me for a career change.

Just watch some of these videos. This is what God has created me to do!

If you read my last post about Sundance and how Hugh Jackman 
wooed me into dreaming again....  you can see how this is all working itself out in me.

And I must respond.

No matter what I do or where I am, I’ll always live my life as a pastor. I see my life’s mission to wake people up to hope and bring new life to dead places in our hearts, lives, and world. I believe my work, whatever it is I am doing, is to comfort and encourage people into God’s forgiveness, freedom,  love, and acceptance.

I didn’t always see that I could do this in my filmmaking...but as I look back, I see God working this out in my life over the past five years (more on this in the coming blog posts) and I can’t wait to see more of it!

So for the next few months, I’ll be in transition.
My kids will finish out school and we’ll be looking for a house to rent somewhere, somehow.

I have some feature film scripts I am working on and looking for investors, and I’m applying at local companies that have producer and media jobs!

I’m also going to jump back into going on acting auditions in SF for  film and commercials.

I’ll still be working on staff with my church until May.
I’m grateful to spend my last days creating one of my favorite gatherings, the Good Friday service, producing great story videos and some other creative projects on the PCC campus as I wrap up my twenty year experience! I will always love the church and be a part of God’s family, whether in Redwood City or beyond. His hope has moved me so much and I pray it for us all to be healed as we participate in the healing of others!

I’ve tried to reach out to as many people as I can to share the news personally, but I know I won’t be able to do it with everyone. Please know I’d love to share more and answer any questions you have. If you have job opportunities, let me know. If you want to invest in some films and start a film production company with me, let me know. I’m serious. I have a LOT of stories to tell.

Let the next adventure begin.

-Tony Gapastione

Thursday, February 08, 2018

Hugh Jackman HIJACKED my life (Part 1 of 2)

I have had a man-crush on Wolverine since he debuted in the X-Men movie in 2000.
So much in fact that I dressed up like him for three Halloweens in a row. It was a little obsessive. (Apparently I expected you to use your imagination and see those imaginary blades coming out of my knuckles).

But, man this guy, (Hugh Jackman not Wolverine) wrecked me ONCE AGAIN. In December when I sat and watched his latest movie: The GREATEST SHOWMAN, the re-imagined story of P.T. Barnum's Circus....WHICH is a musical...

And I know, I know... I just lost a bunch of you reading this.  But bear with me.
I've seen it three times, and the soundtrack has been on REPEAT in our house for months.
(My kids constantly singing and dancing around is one of my favorite things lately).

This movie MOVED me. It changed me....and really it encouraged me for my future. 

Here's why.

It's a magical story of a dreamer. (I might be a wee bit of a dreamer myself... so I relate).

This film was about someone who visualized something beyond himself. He didn't have much, but he took what he had and spun it into a wonderful, colorful, world-changing reality for all those around him,especially the misfits and marginalized of society (perhaps one of my favorite themes in the story).

Yes, he did it with a song,  dance and a cane....and for some that's a bit cheesy...but if the music doesn't move you, then the story will, if you let it. 

Here's how it moved me.

As I sat in my little sanctuary, the movie theater, munching on kettle corn, I slipped my hand into my wife's... as the tears streamed down my face.

I felt understood. I felt alive! I felt desperate for this kind of life. (It also happened to parallel real life things happening in my life and work and future, more on that soon). It felt like my story, the story that God has been writing in my heart since I can remember.

The movie tugged on my heartstrings because of the love between this husband and wife and their daughters. Gosh, I never wanted to start a circus more in my life. But that's not the point of this blog reflection.

Here's the point.

I've come to realize, even more during these months since I saw the moive.  Not only am I a dreamer, but I am an optimist...and to a fault sometimes (I can easily idealize and hope TOO much that it can feel like I'm not living in reality).

But living with such hope and expectation keeps me alive when I feel put in a box, when I feel creatively starved, when I feel I've hit my ceiling. Dreaming and thinking about the future will always ground me and lift me up when I fall into dark emotional pits or seasons of uncertainty. Maybe it's my coping mechanism!!?

Here's some meaningful lyrics that I've been singing over and over.

I close my eyes and I can see
The world that's waiting up for me
That I call my own
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one's been before
But it feels like home

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy
We can live in a world that we design

'Cause every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it's gonna take
A million dreams for the world we're gonna make 


This is how I see it! Dream about the world you want to see. Create your destiny don't just sit on the couch and pray about it. Set goals and run after your dreams. Do NOT give up on them!

 Being you, living beyond your brokenness, self-imposed labels or societally imposed identities is one of the greatest challenges but most fulfilling decisions you can ever make. (and you should definitely watch this behind the scenes clip of the making of the film and music).

But keep this in mind.... these dreams come with a cost. The journey is full of pain  fear, temptation, and even sadness for the heartbreak that comes with pursuing those dreams. You might have to give up sleep, jobs, homes or the expectations others (or even you) have for your life.

 And it's not always easy being married to someone like me..(cough cough)..I mean Hugh Jackman (P.T. Barnum)...because it feels just like WALKING ON A TIGHTROPE. Just ask Michelle Williams (playing Charity Barnum), who had a wonderful song and portrayed the complexity and hardship of partnering with the PT Barnun, dreamer-types.

 So, I'm grateful for Hugh Jackman and those Wolverine claws that he's dug down deep into me. I'm thankful for good stories. and yes, I'm thankful for cheesy musicals.

Tomorrow I'm going to share more in depth...but I have some big changes coming in my life for our future.

Check back here for the story.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Stories can change the world

That's my new mantra.

I believe it. Wholeheartedly.
All stories CAN, meaning they have the ability, to bring change. They change our minds, they change our hearts, they change our actions.

Big stories like: the story of a man, a man-God, a God-man changed my life, changed my world through understanding an unconditional and sacrificial love.

And I've seen it happen to others, like a ripple effect, and I'm better because of how that story changed others.

And I've been changed by other "little stories": like a grandma who ran into her friend from high school and rekindled some old flame, or my kid who was nervous about starting kindergarten and made a best friend on her first day....or "The Greatest Showman" (Hugh Jackman musical) that just came out last month (which I think I need to blog on soon) and riveted me so much I bawled and saw it three times since.

So whatever the size, stories impact us. They make us feel and sometimes they compel us to action.

Perhaps that's why I love MOVIES so much.
I love watching them, talking about them, and MAKING THEM and I love FEELING them.

It brings me such energy. It is life for me. It's my worship (more on that in a minute).

For SIX YEARS I've taken a pilgrimage to PARK CITY, UTAH for the most influential film fest in the world. SUNDANCE. I highly recommend this experience. It's like CAMP! Surreal!

Six years ago I went on a whim, with Fuller Seminary (and Windrider Film Forum) as a student to discuss films, theology, and culture. It was awe inspiring, so much that on the first day in my first film I fell to my knees. Literally. I had experienced something so profound that it moved me to my knees, I was so weak and filled at the same time.

And I've gone ever since.

While I sit in the cinemas of this fest, I experience God in the same way many of us experience spirituality in a building with a cross on it on a Sunday morning.

It is my sanctuary. These moving images wash over me, read me, convict me, heal me and disturb me. WHY? Because I see God in (almost) every story. I think every story is a GOD story in some way. What does that mean?

It means in some way every story seen in film (or otherwise) is a story about forgiveness, freedom, hope, life death, resurrection( and more). And it was at Sundance that I realized these universal themes that I studied for my Masters Degree (and every day of my life and church work) were evident everywhere and beyond the boxes in which I put them.

It only made me want more. So I've returned every year since. Since my first trip in 2013 I've been on this roller coaster of inspiration. I go with a great group of theologians from Fuller Seminary and Film lovers from all around the world and we meet to discuss all the great issues of our time expressed through these films like race, women, sexuality and climate concerns to name a few.

When I first attended Sundance in 2013, I hadn't made film at that point, but I knew I would, simply from being around all that genius talent and inspiration. Panel discussions (above NETFLIX movie "A Stupid and Futile Gesture), workshops, Q and A's with directors, writers, and actors wooed me into joining this tribe! (And I finally did in 2014 when I made 1440 and Counting. And over the past five years I've made a myriad of short films...and now this year I attended with my friend and co-producer of my first feature film (Check it out here. 33 DAYS). What a journey!

Ed and I told anyone who would listen about the film we are producing. We met producers, distributors, and film lovers and shared our passion about one man who did a thirty-three day hunger strike. It was quite a week. (I would wake up at 7am and not get to bed until 1 or 2 am each day). We also had a quite a few laughs. People are strange. We humans are wacky, weird, and outright hilarious. People watching and interacting is THE BEST!

** PRO-TIP** I wore ORANGE GLASSES all around the fest because I was meeting SO MANY PEOPLE that I wanted to find a way to be memorable. So I could follow-up with "Hey, this is Tony Gapastione, the guy with the orange glasses." That's my thing now! Orange glasses at the fest!

And did I mention FREE COFFEE everywhere. Crazy how much swag and food they give away.

So this year, I pulled out a script I was working on and literally held it up as an act of faith. I WILL make movies. I will create, I will be a a part of changing the world by telling stories. I don't know exactly how or when, but I will. It's my prayer. It's my dream. It's my mission...from God (dare I say??!!)Who wants to join me? I need some sugar daddies, er..I mean angels! Angel investors, executive producers to finance these things! Hit me up! (SERIOUSLY!).

So what's next? Lots and I don't know. I'll keep plugging away at my passions. I'll keep telling stories to my kids at night, to our church,  to anyone who will listen, and with my typing fingers on my computer with the hopes that they'll get on a big screen (or little screen) somewhere and change a life, change the world.

Here's to dreaming!

 Stories CAN change the world.

NOT EVERY story does, but every story can.
So make it a good one.

Keep creating!
Thanks for reading.
That's my 2 cents. 

Tony Gapastione

Friday, January 19, 2018

Back to the blog.

I haven't touched this thing for almost three years. Three years of my life..UNBLOGGED!!  HOW CAN THAT BE?? (Haha).

I had other things going on.

I was doing a lot of living, even though  I took a break on blogging.  (Can you believe it?).
It's true. I did. I lived a lot of life in the last three years I just didn't blog about it. (Some would ask did it ever even happen if you didn't put it on onto the internet?)

I blame it on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.
 It's way easier to retweet quips and pithy quotes and photos than to spend time trying to write and philosophizes attempting to entertain and influence, and with my words.
 What has this world come to????

(Actually I love this world! Instagram stories are the best. I know, crazy).

Lots has happened in three years. Where do I even start?

I've had lots of new things going on. I made two more short films, wrote two feature films, stopped and started many things withing my church PCC, traveled to Costa Rica for the first time..... and I got a dog! (But you already know that if you follow me on Instagram b/c he's always on there.  https://www.instagram.com/tonygapastione/

Even he has his own instagram. See, this world is crazy! A dog has his own social media following? (But come on, he's just too cool.)

Since the new year 2018 hit, I've incredibly reflective.  I hit twenty years living in California, thirteen years of marriage to my sweet wife, and raising up three energetic, spunky, beautiful girls (almost 6, 8, and 10).

Maybe that's why I need to get back to blogging. There are so many stories to tell!

I've always been a journaler.
Some seasons more than others.

But I've been feeling this nudge to come back to blogging to I can keep track of all the stuff going on in my life. Not necessarily to entertain or influence, but I think...to reflect and  to share what I'm learning with whoever wants to read it.
(I'm speaking to you mom and dad).

My wife encouraged me to think of blogging again as keeping a MEMOIR, and I really like that. Since I'm halfway through with life, (what??? Midlife?? Yes!) It sounds like a good idea!

So....I'm excited to start AGAIN...and share the things I am learning, and just keep track of things when I'm old and forgetful.

Our church, PCC, is going through a series of conversations around what it means to RESTORE, REBUILD, AND RENEW. I love those words, even though I usually make fun of alliteration :), these things I can stand on! It's beautiful and a great place to start relecting and writing that memoir (for those faithful, curious, five family members).

So, I'll end here.
Please watch this video I wrote and directed based on these three words:

Bumper Video

It gives voice to my prayers...and our call to renew, and rebuild, and restore. It's happening inside and...out...and it's crazy, and I love it.

More soon!

I'm heading to the snow. Can't wait to post pics from one of my favorite weeks of inspiration. Any guesses what it is?


Follow on twitter/instagram/snapchat to keep in the loop!