I am Judas.

 I. AM. JUDAS.

I "played" Judas, is more accurate. Last night was our church's, "GOOD FRIDAY" experience. All over the world, the Friday before Easter, people remember Jesus' crucifixion. And this year I happened to be stepping into a new role, so I was very excited to experiment and create, like an architect, a new structure in which to do that.

Before I continue, let me share a side note highlight:
I should blog about the great group of talented and committed people that gave their time for the past month to make this happen, so let me make a quick shout out to the PCC GF cast/crew, you know who you are: WAY TO GO!!  I was grateful to be on a team with you all. Well done and thank you!! So many people over fifty people (costumers, actors, musicians, singers, hair/beards/make-up, lighting/tech/set design crew) took a chance and made this experience possible. This was also a true community effort. People of all ages from all walks of faith. Amazing. (And I also loved doing it with my two oldest daughters, such a cool experience).(Music from the night can be found here on Spotify.)

Back to....

Judas.
Judassssssssss. Hissssssss. Boooo. Hisssssss.

He's always villianized. Isn't he?  That's why I HAD to play him, something I've never done before. (His  role was one of the smallest on the stage in our "play," so it also allowed me to direct the rest of the elements).

But, the honest truth is, after spending so much time in Judas' sandals this month, I feel as if I my attitude toward him has changed.

I don't think he realized the ramifications to his choices. Did he really want to be known throughout history as "the Betrayer?" We remember him as the one who started it all, who gave over his friend, the Lord, to arrest, beating, mockery, and death by torture. (I even staged the actual scene as an homage to the great western shootouts.)

But as I read, researched, and developed the back story for my "character," I found myself empathic.
 I think he thought it was going to turn out different, a LOT different.

 I couldn't help but be sad for Judas, not angry.
Because maybe I would have done the same thing. Maybe YOU would have to.

We all love Peter's story, he denied Jesus, and wept bitterly after the rooster crowed, but then he had a "happy ending." He went on to receive forgiveness, ate some fish on the beach with Jesus, and become a powerful force to be reckoned with.

But not Judas.

He didn't return back. He chose to separate himself, and that's how he died, by his own hand, disconnected from Jesus.

I get it.
I understand how one could go there.

I've wanted to "force" God's hand.
Hurry up, God, GEEZ!!
I've wanted Jesus to rise up and do things MY WAY, not patiently, silently, and compassionately as he prefers.  

How many times have I doubted God's love for me?
Countless.

How many times have I chosen to wallow in my own shame and sin, as if I were unforgivable?
Too many to count.

What about you?

But I've learned to choose to live in forgiveness, not remorse.

I've learned to battle the lies that whisper I am "nothing, a screw-up, insignificant, and a mess."

I was so thankful for this opportunity to dig into the story of Judas.

That's why I had to make this short video of how I interpreted what happened, "After The Kiss."


After The Kiss from Tony Gapastione on Vimeo.

Remember, Judas was with Jesus for three years. Jesus chose him as a follower. Judas saw all the love Jesus had for people. He heard all the messages Jesus preached. Yet, somehow, he made a choice  NOT to believe. (A choice many still make today). He made a choice to sell out, literally, for thirty pieces of silver.

He made a choice to allow Satan to enter him (Luke 22). He agreed to betray Jesus into the hands of the officials. BUT I really believe, that had he turned back, had he REPENTED (which just means to turn around and change one's thinking and actions), he would have been forgiven, by Jesus himself.

If you don't believe that, refresh your mind with some of Jesus' last words. "Father, forgive them for they don't know what they are doing." Jesus utters this from his agonizing, bloody, painful place on the cross--on behalf of all those who nailed him there and continue to mock him. If that's not forgiveness, I don't know what is.

But Judas chose to believe he was unforgivable, and he took his own life. Because I've recently been through the harrowing experience of suicide, this was especially close to my heart.

The Bible states that Judas had remorse, and even returned the money he was given.
I'm actually glad Matthew states that. It is almost as if, Matthew, one of the twelve, Judas' friend, wanted his readers to know, that Judas did feel: something. He wasn't just a villain. Although he allowed it to happen, there were greater forces of evil at work, and Judas was just a pawn. Satan was not only at work, but had overtaken him. And that's our every day reality. Read Ephesians 6.

The sad reality is that, #1-remorse is not enough. Ignorance doesn't excuse us. But the GOOD NEWS IS #2-Jesus ALWAYS make a way out. The question is, will we take it?

Jesus' death on the cross took our sin, our shame, guilt and fear.

Yet we think we should pay for it ourselves. But Jesus willingly went to the cross for us.
And unfortunately, some, like Judas, choose to take it upon themselves to pay for their own sin, and choose to be separated from God.... forever.

But this is the GOOD NEWS of Easter. GOD LOVES US AND FORGIVES US.

BECAUSE OF JESUS WE ARE FREE, and can be, now AND forever.

If Jesus has set you free, you are REALLY FREE! (John8:36).

And you are invited to that freedom, too, no matter what secret, shame, infidelity, or indecency enslaves you.

Come and be free. God loves you, no matter what!
If you are in the Redwood City area, join us for Easter morning. I'll be there, and we'll have baptisms, one of my favorite pictures of this freedom we have. If you are not local, google where a local church meets and join them tomorrow. There are so many great communities of people who believe this great story and want to help you grow in your understanding of love and forgiveness!

Ahhhh. Now that Good Friday has passed, I'm excited because I get to enjoy some rest come Monday, shave off my scraggly Judas beard, and to eat a chocolate bunny...or three.

Transition

Tonight marked the closing of a chapter for me. When I came back from Sabbatical in September, I really sensed God was calling me to focus my time more on my leadership, prayer, and creativity. I had no idea, (and still sometimes don't) how that would work itself out.

Although I'm not moving out of the area, or away from Redwood City, I'm now moving from my leadership role with PCC's young adult (YA) ministry into a new role within PCC. I've grown in this pastoral role since I moved out to California fifteen years ago, in 1998, so it is bittersweet to say goodbye to being the PCC Young Adults pastor.

In my new role, "Creative Arts Pastor," (I don't cling tightly to titles), I'll be focusing on creating spaces for more prayer gatherings, experimenting with new ideas for worship and the arts-initiating movement and teams in creativity in our worship gatherings , and creating opportunities in the arts for and through PCC (starting arts programs in schools/community, etc)--and more video/film projects. Things I've been passionate about and been doing "on the side" for and through PCC for years-and what we've been doing in young adults (you'll see below) videos, drama, etc, forever-- and now I'll just be focusing on that aspect for all ages in the church family. (I'll still be involved with our Young Married's ministry monthly, too).

I'm sad to not be involved in the young adult ministry officially, but I know seasons must change--and it is my time to transition. That doesn't mean that I won't be visiting the YA gatherings, and more importantly that I won't be connected to the YA people, just that my direct involvement will change and a new leadership and vision must emerge. (There will be a "volunteer" team leading for now, until a plan develops for the future). Currently there are passionate leaders who love God and the community of people, and who also adapt quickly to change, who are pioneering and praying about some new things. Deep inside, I know that this must happen for growth and expansion of this community under God's direction, and I'm actually envious that I won't get to be a part of what's next! This community understands the kingdom and yearns to see it come! (Thanks for all who prayed for me tonight. That's how I want to live)!

 
 My biggest concern is that any of our young adults would feel forgotten or left out. I truly care about the leaders and people of the YA community and my hope and prayer is for their best. That's the part that I'll miss, being with them! (And I hope many of them will cross-pollinate and partner in the creative endeavors on PCC's horizon).

I keep telling myself: God is/will be doing some great new things!

As I've been working in my two roles the past few months, I haven't had lots of time to let things soak in. My time has been ramping up to Good Friday and Easter (both of which have lots of creative elements that I'm excited about), so I haven't fully had, or allowed myself, the time to really know how things will feel. So I expect April and May to be really be the time when reality sets in, when everything in my current routine changes. My Tuesday nights won't be spent they way, I'll no longer be leading our Church's summer ministry internship, and my schedule will radically shift.

Reminding myself again: God always is good and doing new things. And I'm looking forward to them. As I look back, this season has brought with it an incredible amount of reflection. And I'm thankful for the joy of memories.

Thankfully many of my reflections come with visuals. I've kept a lot of pictures and videos. Even before our lives were shared over Facebook, our community of people loved to capture life behind and in front of the camera.

Over the next couple months, I will be releasing bits and pieces of these reflections through videos and pictures. For my first snippet, I'll share with you GHETTO ANNOUNCEMENTS! Before there was imovie and Final Cut pro, I would use two VCR's to make these video announcements every week, with the help of a very creative, talented, and improvisational team! Enjoy.

Ghetto A's Week 1. 2001 from PCC Young Adults on Vimeo.

My fortune is found in the famous One

I'm currently in LA, sitting in a Cafe off of Hollywood Blvd. I'm spending my last few hours of submersion into filmmaking, movie watching, and the entertainment industry. It's truly been an inspiring time where I can actually say I've "grown." I've changed a bit. I saw about twelve films last week, cried, laughed, discussed and argued over storytelling, good acting, thematic elements on about five-six hours sleep a night. Which is less than I usually get at home with three kids, five and under, yet, of course, it was filled with so many encouraging conversations that leave me overwhelmingly inspired creatively. I'm ready to see some things happen!

Here are some thoughts arranged in no particular order:

1-First, I missed my family. I have to give my wife a HUGE shout out (as well as the village of the extended family and friends), who made this week possible for me to be away. It's been a little over one week, one hundred and sixty eight hours, since I've left. Even though I got less sleep then when we had an infant, I am more energized and refreshed than I have been since my summer sabbatical. Probably because I could be "tired" and not have to change diapers, feed anyone but myself, and not have to speak if I didn't want to. This was an option my wife didn't have this week, so I am so thankful for her partnership. I thought of her every day in gratitude. She deserves her week away, now, or least many nights off from putting the kids to bed! (Which I fully intend to give her when I return). And I can't wait to hug my kids!

2-A strange and sometimes uncomfortable thing that I often took advantage of this week was: FREE STUFF! It seemed everywhere I went there was free food, free lattes (yes, I had two a day), and free make-up (of which my wife will benefit). This is called SWAG. Free stuff ,usually for people who can afford to pay for it, anyway. Weird, but yes, I enjoyed it. Funny enough--the one day I was enjoying a free Morning Star Vege Burger, (of which I ate daily at Sundance),  I was also reading a book that had a section entitled, "No Free Food." I had to disagree with his thoughts at that moment as I enjoyed my pro-bono lunch. (See it to the right in the picture here).

 (The menu at the counter).

I was haunted by this sobering thought. Why is it that we give hundreds, thousands of dollars away to the richest people on the planet? I wrestled with this a lot this week. It is so easy to get sucked into the glitter of Hollywood, and I really wanted to temper my experience with being mindful to remember, I always am living in God's kingdom, and I want to be living his values. Which I was so grateful to have opportunities daily to pray with people, listen to their hurts and stories, and point people to the way, the truth, and the life. Which is the invitation/call for all of us in life, no matter what kind of passion/job we spend our time doing. We can live compassionately and generously, without greed.

3-They say, whoever "they" are,  that so much of the entertainment industry is "who you know." And there is a LOT of truth in that. I got invited to a table read of a screenplay entitled, "The Scoundrels Club." What a fun experience. Jeff York, was the winner of a contest that flew him out to Park City, UT, to have his script read by professional actors (which I fooled them into thinking I was).  The only reason I was sitting at that table was because I knew someone. I thank my buddy, Christian Anderson, who let me ride his coattails. It pays to make good friendships in this industry. 

 I also got to be a part of the 19th Annual SAG Awards in LA. I was basically a do-anything production gopher who did things like prepare paint sharpies for Celebs and shuttle the actual actor trophies across the auditorium and red carpet. It was quite fun and surreal seeing all the people I normally see on the big and small screens. Yes, like Hugh Jackman, and the casts of the Office, Downtown Abbey, and Glee. All because of a family connection. The only reason I was eating Wolfgang Puck gourmet food, schmoozing with actors, and wearing a suit was because I knew someone. And want to know how I was reminded of the values of the kingdom? In the bathroom, this guy, Oscar from the office, smiled and handed me a paper towel. Which caused me to pay it forward. I got a lot more stories like that!

4-"Celebrities are real people just like us." I know some grocery story magazine (People, maybe?) has a page highlighting famous people pumping gas, getting tickets, and eating bran muffins to show the world that even though they are filthy rich, they still have to pick up dog poop (most of the times). But see #2 and don't feel too sorry for them because they still have a lot of perks. The red carpet glitz and glam of Hollywood life can be a bit ridiculous. All the hype and money spent  on such events can be downright shameful when across the seas there are people starving and dying of preventable diseases. Wow, this was always on my mind. I really had to ground myself in this reality as I participated in these fancy events.  One of the things I took away, (nothing new), is that fame is fleeting. No matter who you are: the high school valedictorian,  the college football quarterback, Miss America,  the top selling software guy, the new mom, the award winning actor--every season comes to and end. Those feelings, the spotlight, the "whatever," will end. The reality is, that death is inevitable for all, but most of us like like it isn't. And someday we'll all be taking our last breath and reflecting for a split second if we truly lived a worthwhile life, which I'm determined to do. Although I love this entertainment and filmmaking industry, they must always be a means to something bigger: like enjoying healthy relationships, creating meaningful stories to impact our hearts,  and discussing real issues with others that propel us to be good humans who make a difference.

5-This leads me to my next thought. I spend a lot of my time preparing and planning for something that happens within a building regularly during the week. I teach, craft, brainstorm, and plan ways to help others experience truth, life, and love--(much like I said above: includes trying to encourage healthy relationships, good management of life's resources, and impacting the world for good and justice). That being said, we can learn a lot from movies and how they impact culture.  Thankful to the Windrider Film Forum for helping to shape this for many of us at Sundance last week. Maybe now, more than ever, I see this medium of story-telling through film and media as one of the greatest ways to reach people and move people's hearts to action. I have to continue to chew on this, but as I looked at how interactive the filmmaking events were,  (and so well organized) and how many great conversations were had, I can  safely say that everyone who participated in these events was moved in some way.  I hope to see some of this impacting what I do in Redwood City. (Below filmmakers from one of my week's favorite films, "Toy's House.").

6-We are created to have relationships. We are created to engage with others. Full theaters of film loving people resulted in lots of new friendships and inspired dreams.This is a simple truth of humanity. When you make time to do the things you love with others who share that love, you can't help but experience beauty, connect, grow close, share life, etc.(Below a crowd gives a standing ovation to the winning film, "Fruitvale," and a sign reflecting a space where workshops and panel discussions were held.).

7-Finally, I'm affirmed, once again, that I cannot escape my soul's purpose, what I believe God put within me. I have been created to create. Making films, collaborating on team, a film crew, telling meaningful stories, and acting brings me life and I know it brings life to others. I must give my time to this, or a part of me will die. And so I will be making more time to do so, and glad that my role within PCC is moving into that direction. I am praying for more clarity on that and a healthy transition for for all involved.

So, overall I am excited to return and share my experiences, but especially to be with my family. In closing,  It was This video below encapsulates the good, the crazy, and the downright superficial nature of this industry, this beast that I love. This beast that I am called to fight with, conquer, tame, and speak into my life and the lives of those around me. I love navigating through it and I love that I get to be a part of it because it both challenges me to grow and allows me to be used in the lives others.

So, although it's easy to forget, I will be intentional.  I will not seek fame, nor fortune, but find my fortune in the ONE who is already famous, and who's name will be lifted up among the nations.
And that's a wrap.

Happy New __________________

Usually I don't choose lots of structure. I love the flexibility of my schedule, the spontaneity of creativity, and the freedom to do new things. (Especially when it comes to worship gatherings, I'd rather pray and linger for hours than schedule minute by minute).  And don't get me wrong--I'm not advocating for anarchy here or  that we should all live in a nudist colony, just making a point about something I'm trying to understand about myself.

As much as I'd like to consider myself a "free-spirit," for some reason I simply cannot bend when it comes to the start/stop of Christmas.  I can't handle Holiday decorations and Christmas songs in January. For me it starts right after Thanksgiving (which I know is too early for some) and finishes when December ends.

I like it to end, when it's supposed to end, which in my mind should not extend past January 1st.

However, my kids don't share my convictions (and obviously the rest of my city doesn't either). My kids are still belting out, loud, proud, and off-key: "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," at all hours of the day and night (with the wrong lyrics) and probably will until July. Then I drive around town and see Christmas trees still displayed in houses and LED lights and neon statues all over the neighborhood. I feel like I'm a part of some conspiracy I can't escape.

 I can't explain it. It's as if my heart/mind are ready to move on to what's next, and what's NEW (which commercialism would have me believe it should be Valentine's day), but I keep getting pulled back into the past. (Which again, I'm a sap, I love good memories and reflecting on the good old days, but I'm just saying..take down the Elf on the Shelf, people).

Which leads me to my next pet peeve. The New Year Started about eleven days ago. So how long until we stop saying "Happy New Year?" Until February? Am I just a Grinch? I think not, I just think I'm right...

Just kidding.

I think it's something about wanting to have appropriate understanding, or boundaries, of a season. Although you could disagree and find a great argument in which to combat me, or just tell me to loosen up.

And I'm sure theologically I could write a whole other blog making a case to keep our Christmas lights shining all year through in order to center our wholes lives on Christmas story, and be true Biblical people who light the world for Jesus, but I'll pass.

Or..in just a small little way,  could this feeling, maybe, be another sign that we live in the tension of eternity? A tension that communicates things aren't always as they are supposed to be and we must find a way to exist in the midst of constant, mess, constant transition, constant reality stretching experiences.

A few weeks ago I talked about this tension of grief illustrating a bit of tension between the "kingdoms" we live in. listen here. 

So here comes my analogy.

We are continually trying to make sense of this eternal story, (God creates, God comes close, we destroy, we push God away, God redeems, God invites us close again) and these seasons we live in, whether winter,spring,summer, fall, or our life-stage and age, are just "whispers" reminding us that we were made for somewhere else. Like Adam and Eve, we were all made for the Garden. We were made for the freedom, clarity, and the closeness of the Garden, but we messed it up, he intervenes, and helps us to make sense of the world and live like we were made--for Heaven.

We were made to live in perpetual beauty, with no confusion, and no starting/stopping of celebrations, relationships, or life itself.

So, for what it's worth, I wish you simply a HAPPY NEW PERSPECTIVE or whatever it is you need to center your life on God in 2013. Happy New  _______. You fill in the blank. What do you need this year, this season? Whatever it is, I know that God is able and enough to fulfill you. And I started this year reminding myself of Ephesians 3:14-21.

For this reason I kneel before the Father,  from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

This is my prayer to remember God can do more than I could ever ask or imagine.

And this is my prayer, too, that whatever you do, you take down your inflatable people, blinking icicle lights, and over-sized, ginormous ornaments that are so heavy they are breaking the trees in your front yard..no later than February 1st.. Thank you. 

Then God spoke..through Lady Gaga & Woody Allen

So there I was on my knees, weeping in a hotel room.
It was a completely unexpected moment, and it wasn't on my to-do list.

I had twenty-four hours, kid-free, with my wife, to celebrate our anniversary.

We had it all planned:
Go for a a great run,
eat a great meal,
watch a great movie,
and most importantly- sleep in!

We had checked almost everything off our list. After watching a bit of the Woody Allen film, "To Rome with Love," my wife had decided she wanted to get outside and run. I voted to stay in bed and finish the rest of the movie.

Now this was a very rare morning. Actually odd. Not just that I lounging in bed watching a movie at 10am, kid free, in a random hotel in luxurious San Jose, but just an hour earlier, when I woke up, (ah what a gift to sleep in until 9am), my mind was singing the chorus of a Lady Gaga song.

Now, before you roll your eyes...

I am not above Lady Gaga. I may have trouble admitting singing along to Justin Bieber, but not Lady Gaga. So scoff if you want, but this was something supernatural.

Really.

And yes, it was a bit perplexing to acknowledge that God might speak to me through a scantily clad, raw meat wearing, artist.... but he did.

So how you ask? Listen to the song. And I stress the word LISTEN. For some of you may need to  not watch, if you have issues with a Gaga's tight, leather-wearing, dance moves as she straddles everything in sight.

But don't be distracted from the truth at hand.

I experienced God in a deep way, and to this day, when I hear this song. I'm able to find hope in God's presence with me. See the lyrics here, and focus in on the chorus:

I'm on the edge of glory
And I'm hanging on a moment of truth
Out on the edge of glory
And I'm hanging on a moment with you
I'm on the edge with you.

Could it be possible that God's love might pour through someone that doesn't even realize it? By all means, I believe so. I woke up that morning with a sense of God's incredible closeness, because of a pop song, that honestly,
-- I had never really listened to fully before.

With that song, I was affirmed that God had always been with me all my life, all my years of marriage, and that we are always living on this "edge of glory."

Every decision made, every problem that needs to be solved, every dream that is being pursued is an opportunity to experience God, to experience his glory.

God is right there, in every moment, with truth, doing something, something that could only be explained as GLORIOUS.

The ironic part of this experience  was that in this season of life,  it felt anything but glorious.

If you've read my posts (from grief to disillusionment), this season has been hard. But God was saying in the difficult moments: THERE IS GLORY. 

Glory to be had and glory to come. 

Let me TRY to define what I mean by glory.

 It is both a noun and a verb, a feeling and a truth, both the embodiment and culmination of: everything praiseworthy, wonderful, beautiful and majestic. It is great gratification and exultation, the height of prosperity and achievement.

Yes, words limit this definition. But GOD IS GLORY, gives GLORY and somehow IN EVERYTHING.. HE DOES defines Glory and makes EVERYTHING Glorious.


So this Gaga song is stirring in my head as I'm watching Woody Allen's film. And it all collided together for me. I had a supernatural moment of hope and life!

 I don't have time to philosophize on Woody Allen film theory, and I'm no Roger Ebert.

But here's what I know. On the most basic level, this goofy guy, with a messy personal life (just like us all), who's been around Hollywood for the longest time, knows how to tell a good story, (usually with very quirky and unique characters).

Woody's films explore humanity's deep questions.

Why do we exist?
 What is life all about?
Is there a God, and if so why so much evil in the world?

 Almost all of his movies ask these (and many more) questions.

And in this particular film, set in my most favorite of all places, ROME, his characters go through some interesting conflicts in relationships and with fame. Both Woody's character in the film and another main character point out there stance on God. (One declares his atheism, and another declares he doesn't know if God exists and  people react negatively toward him).

But the crux of the story for me?

Who knows me? 
Who loves me? 
Who will be there for me when relationships don't work like we want themto and fame doesn't satisfy like we thought it would? 
What happens when people don't give us the credit we think we deserve?

Good questions.

So there I was. On my knees. Weeping. And celebrating the answer to those questions.

On my anniversary, I could celebrate the love of my wife and the great years of marriage.
I was reflecting on my life, my questions, my disappointments, my unanswered questions, my dreams, life and death and everything in between.

And all I could do was thank God. All I could do was acknowledge something GLORIOUS, something good, something meaningful was happening.

I thanked God for choosing me, knowing me, being with me, providing for me, guiding me, and putting loved ones in my life. 

And I thanked God for using what is important to me (music and film), to give me his truth in a meaningful and compassionate way.

Thank you God.
Thank you Gaga.
Thank you Woody.

2 Corinthians 3:12-18
Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to prevent the Israelites from seeing the end of what was passing away. But their minds were made dull for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read, it has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away.  Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Suicidal Thoughts Part 2

Interruptions are good and necessary parts of life.

Children in our bed at night, unexpected visitors, housecleaning.

Sometimes the interruption of life is death.

It seems weird and twisted to be writing about death, especially suicide, on the eve of Thanksgiving.

But it's necessary.

For one, I have to finish this post.
I gave some thought to not writing a part 2, but since I started a "part 1,"
And number two, I want to follow through because it's part of my reflection/grief process.

So, it's been five weeks. Thirty five days since I got that awful phone call. Since the shock of death by my beloved Grandma's own hand (still hard to say/write). (BTW if any readers want to ask questions, talk about it, I welcome it).

I'm still finding myself in a weird fog. Some days I'm too tired to even think about "it," and other times I just don't. I've got meetings, tasks to complete, and kids at my heels.  But occasionally the fog lifts abruptly and awkwardly like a mom pulling the blankets off her oversleeping teenager.

I'm interrupted with having to think, having to grieve.

I saw this (sorta cheesy), picture frame in a store and got choked up. ** Interruption.**

 On Halloween I was eating some candy corn and remembered how since I was a kid (up until last year), she would call/leave a message on Halloween saying, "I VANT to suck your blood, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ehhhh," in a "Transvlannian accent." ( I loved it!).  ** Interruption.**

And then in random moment, one of my kids will casually and uncomfortably ask,  "Who's going to die next?" and it's over. **Interruption**

So in one sense, I just want to be DONE with the sad interruptions that nip at me like a mosquito.

And go back to being normal. But then, I realize this could be the new normal.
 I'm finding these little biting reality checks remind me I'm human. Maybe they're actually more normal, and life-giving,  than not. (Because let's be honest the "old normal," could have just been a lame routine oblivious to things God wanted to see).

 I need to learn to be present. I need to choose to breathe and breathe deeply and see those interruptions as opportunities to have Holy Spirit experiences.

 It hit me walking through some construction in Redwood City. I recorded some thoughts on a  VLOG here.

God is ever present with us, with you,  with me. He's fully in tomorrow, next week, and every decade from now and forever. But somehow a lie creeps in that if I can just get to some magical place, that's not this moment, that it will all be OK. I'm learning, and trying (not always successfully), to welcome interruptions and actually linger within them, knowing that I'm on a journey with God. He's with me.
 (Which leads me again to plug one of the best encouraging daily reading books called, "Jesus Calling."  Here's a page that gave me perspective this week.

One clarification. I do think there's a difference between God's interruptions  (to speak, heal, make us aware etc), and a distraction of temptation and lies.

I''ll write another post about those distinctions some day, in the not so distant future.

For now, I just need to be present...and thankful.

(And trust God will do his thing. This (overplayed) song often interrupts me emotionally, too, and I can't hold back the tears.  He makes all things good. He makes all things new. He makes all things beautiful).

Happy Thanksgiving.

Bridesmaids, groomsmen, kleenex and dog movies

Gonna take a break and write part 2 of this post after I gush about love!

I'm a sap. This was true even before I was married and had daughters. I've been known to hide kleenex in my pocket in order to get through most Pixar movies. (Or any films about fathers, kids, or where the dog dies..or almost dies. Yes, I'm talking about Homeword Bound).

And being a dad of three girls, whoa, I can cry you a river. So, it should go with out saying that weddings, a good wedding where you just love and trust that the two saying "I do" are in it for real and for God, touch me. (My daughters are many decades away from weddings and I choke up even thinking about walking them down the aisle some day).

This weekend we'll celebrating a PCC couple loved by many, Kristin and Victor, the future Hernandezes (Nice ring to it. Seems like a long last name, but my alas last name is still longer).
 See their website here:
http://www.mywedding.com/victorandkristin/gallery_669003_1.html

When I was looking over their wedding website,  I loved clicking on the link for their wedding party and reading about their friendships (the bridesmaids and groomsmen). They chose people to not only stand up and support them on their wedding day, but to lift them up their whole marriage through. What I loved, was that so many of their friendships were forged in Jesus, and many of them from their church (PCC) community. What a cool thing. I appreciate this and pray that the Church, and our community, continues to foster AND model the beauty of these types of relationships, so that we can love each other well. And so we can see many, many lives changed through the process and ripple effect... and many, many dogs living long, happy lives. I better go, I need some Kleenex.

Suicidal Thoughts Part 1

 I'm glad Halloween is over (I'm done with the trying to explain/shield my little ones from bloody, hanging faces on on porches), and I'm glad that the salted, caramel mocha is not offered at Starbucks anymore (I was getting way too much sugar and calories from that thing). And yes, glad the election mud throwing is over, too.

In general, I'm glad we're in new month!

Thank you November for showing up. Thank you daylight savings for making my 5:30am wake-ups a wee bit easier. And thank you Starbucks for the Peppermint White Mochas. I simply needed the change, the change of season.

October felt like a fog, a deep heavy, wet, dry, hazy, month. Yes, all in one.  It was tough.

I'm not trying to be all dark and "emo,"but I am still in process (and may be for some time) over the recent tragedy in my family that marked October for me. (See my last post).

Let me take it back, in this first of two posts, on what I experienced.

About four weeks ago I walked passed a group of kids. Third graders. They were doing what eight and nine year old boys do. They were climbing trees and throwing rocks. Not a big deal, right?
And I was on my way, somewhere, to do something important, at least I'm sure that's what I thought at the moment. When in a matter of twenty seconds something else became more important.

I heard one of the boys causally say, "Ugh, I'd rather kill myself ..then play ...(something about a game suggested by one of the other boys, etc)."

I didn't even catch the rest of what he was saying.
 All I heard was, "I'd rather kill myself..."

Now, I didn't call the suicide prevention hotline or run to his aid and hold him in the fetal position. I knew he was just using a "figure of speech." Something many of us say on a regular basis say and mean nothing by it. It may hold the depth of equivalent to asking someone, "How are you," as we quickly pass them by.

Some of us even pull out our fake finger guns and pull the fake trigger to our heads when we describe our days. "Hey how was your day?" Cue: 

This trivialized piece of our culture hurts me. Now more than ever.

And some reason on this day in early October, it hit me in a powerful way that I believe now has impacted me forever.

As I walked by those boys, in an instant I was having flashes of faces and experiences. My mind filled with experiences from my past where I had experienced first hand people who actually did kill themselves. Thankfully the number was low. Three to be exact. One was my good friend's father, and another was a good friend, someone Ia spent a lot of time with. This someone I had shared life with and prayed with a lot. Then one night he didn't show up to a normal hang out time, (which honestly, he flaked a lot so I didn't think anything of it). But the next morning I got the phone call no one ever wants to get. It was over 12 years ago, before I had a cell phone or texting abilities, but I still had that question in my mind, "What if I would have reached out, or called him just one more time?"

All these memories flooded back. I remembered where I was when I found out, what kind of day it was, what smell was in the air. It was overwhelming.

So I simply began to pray. I prayed for peace, and I prayed for people I hadn't prayed for in a while. People who might be still in the process of grief. People, who I'm sure, choke up at the sound of their loved one's name.

 And then I felt God lead me to pray for others...others who might, at that very moment, be considering taking their own life. 

Wow.
Unexpected interruption of my day.
It was deep.
It felt odd, but not unusual, actually right, and comfortable.

God has lead me to pray for people I've never met many times. Kids in Africa, nameless slaves among the twenty-seven million, celebrities, etc.

But in this way, I thought, "Wow, Lord! Could I actually be praying for someone I know, or that I might even pass by today, who will preserve their life because you have intervened through your Spirit?'

It got me thinking, it got me excited. So, I simply prayed.
I had no idea what God was preparing me for......
 
1-Have you ever looked around and prayed for strangers?
2-Have you ever thought about the pain and heartbreak of those you live, work, and worship around?
(Those who look like everything is great on the outside, but might be dying from within?).
3-What if you let God interrupt you more, made "those" phone calls, and simply trusted God could work out his goodness in and through you no matter what?

Part 2 soon.

Good Grief?

This past week our family has had to deal with the unthinkable.
Just saying the word causes me to have chills.
I don't even want to write the word.

Suicide.

Yes. Awful. Sad. Heartbreaking. Confusing.

Needless to say, it's been an incredibly difficult week.
My eyes hurt so much from crying.
No one is ever ready to deal with death, even when we all know it's a reality of life. But death of this kind makes the whole process loaded.

"Normal death" comes with sadness, expectations lost, questions, confusion, family hardship, and different coping mechanisms.

This kind of death jacks up every one of the elements, sending them whizzing around in a completely different direction.

My only hope, my only sense of peace and stability in this situation has been God.
 (Jesus wept, snarled, when he encountered the death of Lazarus).

So, during the past eight days, I've simply practiced what I believe. Death was never God's plan for humanity. We have an enemy who's mission is to steal, kill, and destroy God's people and goodness in the world. God created us to know him and live in Him. God created a way to live an abundant life. God is not only near, but within. The same Spirit that resurrected Jesus from the grave, lives in me. Therefore, I can go on. I can live, with hope.

*******************

Comforting people through death can be awkward and difficult.

Words are never enough and sometimes they are just not even right response. We don't know what to day and sometimes we say too much, weird stuff, and random things.

Silence.
Hugs.
Tears.
Presence.

That is what been the most comforting for me.

Honestly, I'd rather not even talk about it, let alone post about it via social media.

But in the spirit of authenticity, I'm trusting in what God has been preparing in me the past couple weeks (speaking out), because others need to hear this story.

I avoided posting anything this week except scripture and most amazing readings from the book, "Jesus Calling." It's how I've found any ounce of hope and rational thinking.

As well as playing lots of music like the new Bethel album, "For the Sake of the World."

When I spoke at my Grandma's memorial, one of her friends approached me afterward. Both her husband and her brother took their life. She has been under a cloud of sadness, and after hearing the hope of Jesus, she found encouragement.

I spoke about how NOTHING can separate us from the LOVE OF GOD.
Romans 8.
Not life, death, suicide, nothing.

My Grandma was sick. She was bedridden and unable to take care of herself and her bodily functions. She was extremely sad, steeped in grief from my Grandad's death in April. I loved her immensely. We had a great relationship. I prayed with her many, many times, even dealing with her desire to end her life before. I tried to remind her of the value of her life, God's love for her, and that God had a purpose to go on living. But She was, in Martin Luther's words, "overcome."

Here is what Luther said:
“I don’t share the opinion that suicides are certainly to be damned. My reason is that they do not wish to kill themselves but are overcome by the power of the devil. They are like a man who is murdered in the woods by a robber. . . . They are examples by which our Lord God wishes to show that the devil is powerful and also that we should be diligent in prayer. But for these examples, we would not fear God. Hence he must teach us in this way.” [Vol. 54:29].

 What has give given me hope? That Jesus hated death and gave his life to conquer it and connect us with God the Father. And God is a great father. A lover. A hope giver. Even though feelings, and circumstances are painful, I believe and trust good will come, because God is good.

I'm letting myself feel sad when I need to feel sad. I'm letting myself be quiet when I need to be quiet.  And I'm letting myself cry when I need to cry (holding my kids and listening to certain songs has been doing it).

And all the while, I'm embracing God's love and presence with me, and for my family. I will not let the evil one win. I reject his work, because I know God redeems, God wins.

Lamentations chapter 3. Words from one of God's own, his prophet, Jeremiah, have helped me during this dark time.

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the Lord.

So......prayer for me and my family is greatly appreciated. I AM grieving. And trying to find the good and healthy way to do so. And hoping I can help my family (and others), do so, too). The experts say, even though work gives you three days to grieve, realistically the process will take three months to three years. I'm grateful to walk with Jesus, the creator of the universe, giver of life, and conqueror of death, through it all.  Grief can be good.

Shut up or stand up. Part 2

Two weeks ago we heard a challenging message. Over 7000 people groups in the world have never heard the name of Jesus. (Listen here). It makes me want to just yell! NO WAY! Why aren't we doing anything about it? 

It seems that way about a lot of things, and it can be overwhelming.  We hear stats revealing that there are over twenty million human trafficking victims and over one hundred and forty million orphans in the world. And we clam up, ignore it, or just excuse ourselves from not doing anything because ___________________ (fill in the blank). It's too big of a problem, it will never change, my life is already busy, I have my own kids/problems, and on, and on, and on it goes.

In my last week's post, I started to share about the opportunities to stand up God was giving me. My sabbatical gave me ample time to relax, enjoy my family, and dream dreams for my life and the ministry he entrusted to me. I returned energized and ready to make some change. But within a week, and on and off all month, I found myself discouraged and ready to go back to life as normal. ( As normal as it was in May before I left). Why the quick turn around? It was little things. Little lies I believed about myself (my calling and abilities), people around me, and lies about God. Yes, lies I chose to believe about God's power to change things, and to change people. 

Many people say the season after a sabbatical is often very challenging and my circumstances were "normal." But I noticed my normal was a temptation to apathy and business as usual. But God's thoughts are always greater than our thoughts and his ways greater than our ways. God gave me every encouragement and opportunity to stand up, instead of shut up! (Take that Devil!).

So, there I was, walking in all these intense thoughts about doing great things with God. Sure I had some opposition, and some things didn't look as exciting as I thought they should be, but I was doing what I thought was my best. 

Cue "inciting incident. " (If you've never read Donald Miller's: "A Million Years in a Thousand Years," do yourself a favor!).

 I was volunteering at my kid's school. I was the new dad on campus. It's our first year being in the "school system." And it's a public school. So we view our involvements as opportunities to serve, bless, and share Jesus with kids and staff. So, one day last week I'm walking to the bathroom during a parent training. I was on a little break. Minding my own business, ready to check Facebook and post a little nugget about my P.E. training. When all of a sudden, I get a bomb dropped on me. I just happened to pass a teacher disciplining one of his students. It was obvious there was a behavioral issue in question there. But in the twenty seconds I "happened" to pass by, I heard the teacher say something that sent chills down my spine. I'm not going to give details, (and it wasn't a profanity, or racist comment), but it was shaming, hurtful, and inappropriate for anyone, let alone a seventh grader. 

So there I was, accountable. I had a choice. Shut up or stand up. Ignore it, make an excuse why I shouldn't address it, or face it head on.

I continued on my way to the bathroom now with my mind spinning. What I thought was going to be a little break, ended up being an intense dialog with God. It actually started with, "God, really? Now? Here?" I hadn't planned on having to confront a teacher, one that I don't even know. I pictured myself saying, "Um, hi. I'm the the father of a KINDERGARTNER, who was eavesdropping on your conversation for a wee twenty seconds and I want to tell you that what you said could have been said different." And blah blah blah, I had to fight the lies and dumb insecurities. 

God kept calling me up and out. I just witnessed an injustice. I just heard a child have to defend his family, even internally have to question his value by one shaming statement.

I knew I had to go and talk with the teacher. I knew I needed to speak truth. And God was very clear. This teacher wasn't the enemy. I didn't need to be mad AT him. He was a created being of God. He was loved by the most high. He also needed encouragement. Teaching is hard. Public schools have ridiculous ratios and underfunded programs. 

I'll cut to the chase. Two hours later during the lunch hour, after my volunteer training,  I searched out this teacher. I introduced myself and told him what I had overhead. I told him I assumed I didn't know the extent of the situation, but humbly wanted to share what I thought I heard and say. What I heard was a statement that would shame any one. I suggested some other ways to express what he wanted to say. He was so humble, and acknowledged in the heat of the moment he could have used different words. He even thanked me. We shook hands. It was amazing. I left there so encouraged. 

Crazy thing, turns out I've seen this teacher a lot more since. As we share some mutual activities and common life intersections (I'll leave it at that). Was it awkward the next time I saw him? Yes. But so worth it. So worth it to have the ability to be free from carrying the burden, judgement,  or bitterness that I might have had. And, I know God did more with it than I was even aware of. IN ME..and I hope in that teacher.

Read Hebrews 12 about how God loves and disciplines.

Want to hear another funny thing? A few days later, someone came to me to confront me about something I posted on Facebook. And right then in there, in love, I had the opportunity to listen and humble myself. I had to thank the person and consider what I had said and how it might have been taken out of context, and how I might have said it differently. I just pictured this same person going through exactly that I went through in order to STAND UP and not shut up. Grateful for life learning lessons.

Wow. God you are amazing. Thank you.

Now, is there anyone, for any reason, that you need to speak truth to? To encourage? To call out and affirm, or help? Don't allow lies and excuses to prevent you. This person could be an unreached person across the globe, a family member, a co-worker, a stranger you overhear, or someone hurting someone else. Be aware of God's voice leading you in paths of justice. 

Be Bold. Stand Firm. Speak out. Dispel injustice. 
Do it all with the grace, love, and power I have for you.

Shut up or Stand up! (Part 1).

Be Bold. Stand Firm. Speak out. Dispel injustice. 
Do it all with the grace, love, and power I have for you.

(To get the most out of this post, click the orange links for interactive media). 

Some time in the spring I was driving to Roosevelt Elementary School. This is a school near our Church's campus in which we will be serving this weekend. On this particular day I was teaching an acting group for fifth and sixth graders. As I was driving down the street, I noticed a crowd of pre-teen boys harassing an elderly woman. Yes, harassing. I did a double-take. Waving their hands in her face, "pretending" to kick her, and getting in her way with their puffed out chests so she couldn't move past them, caused this sweet grandma to shirk in fear. Was this really happening in broad daylight at 3pm in the afternoon? The woman was trying to shield herself from their taunts as she ducked from their teasing jabs and name calling. 

I had no time to plan. I parked my car in the middle of the street, (in front of the public library), swung my door open, and made a B-line to the situation shouting, "NO!" Terminator style I strutted to the crowd of boys yelling, "No! No way! Stop!" 

Then I went all Clint Eastwood on them and said, "Not in my city, you don't."

Honestly, I have no idea where this came from. I was as if I couldn't control it. It was as if I had quickly mutated into a member of the X-Men. 
(Do you see how my mind works? I've seen a few too many action/superhero movies but I want to be clear here. This is not my natural first response. This is a product of what God is doing within me. And it is humbling).

The woman walked passed me as I hovered over the boys.  
They were frozen as deers in headlights. 
I looked at each one, I could feel my heart pounding double time, and my ears were steaming like the cartoons. I recognized two of the boys from my acting class, and my heart broke. 

In a split second, I understood what Jesus might have felt to love the very people who hurt him. 
Then compassion flooded within.  I was mixed with grief, sadness, and frustration. I just looked at them and I knew God was about to speak through me. 

"You are better than this. She deserves better than this. That woman is some one's mom, some one's grandma. It's up to you, to us, to make this city a better place." 

Whoa, now I'm Martin Luther King, Jr.?

Silence. 
Heads down.
Eyes averted.

I looked around at each one. That's when I realized the woman was no where to be seen. I didn't even get a chance to see if she was OK. I didn't know her name or what happened to her.

"I don't want to shame you. I just want you to rise up, to be great. That woman deserved to be treated with respect. I love this city and our city deserves better."

Cue crickets. One minute. No one said a word.

That minute seemed like an hour. The oldest and tallest boy, the ring-leader, never made eye contact with me. He just looked away, the whole time.

I asked them all, "How do you feel right now?"

Then one brave little boy broke the silence. "Sorry."
Then another one chimed in. "Me, too."

The others were silent.

At that moment I wished I could have hugged all of them, but what would Clint Eastwood do?
(Just kidding, I didn't think like that, come on, I'm a WWJD bracelet kind of guy. No joke, is this commercial for real???).

I knew they weren't "bad" kids. They were just like sheep, who were were lost. 
They needed a shepherd. 

As I walked away, I felt amazing. 
But I knew, that this incident meant something bigger. It was part of a bigger story God was calling me in to. 

It was indicative to what is true on a daily basis in our world. People are harassed, and no one, including me, is dong anything about it.

This is post 1 of 2. Because this theme came back this week in a powerful way.

God has been giving me these words, (over and over).

Be Bold. Stand Firm. Speak out. Dispel injustice. Do it all with grace, love, and power  I have for you.

This week, I saw something happen. It was different than in the street, but similar because I had to choose action. I was either going to shut up and let an injustice take place, or I was going to stand up and speak out. I'll blog more about it next week. 

Until then, ponder this:

* Is there someone in your life who is being treated unfairly?
* Is someone treating YOU in a demeaning and hurtful way?
* Are YOU treating someone unfairly?
* Have you witnessed racism, inequality, sexism,  or any other injustice to defend?
* Is there a situation in which God is calling you to speak up and bring change?


As I posted last week, where do we need to be intentional and engaged with God and others for authentic conversations and go deep in real life issues? (Men? Join in the adventure).

...and then Jesus farted.

The following observations are not just true of the social media world, but real human conversations that happen daily. I'm noticing Facebook and twitter interactions are generated easily on topics of kids' quotes, creepy-lazy-eyed naked dolls, foodie delights, every and any sports topic, entertainment of all kinds, and farts. Yes, farts. Did you just smile like a 5th grader, or scowl like librarian? Because I have this huge grin right now. I'm fully smiling. I just say the word, "fart," and have to smile.
(Pray for me).

Now, smelling them is a completely different topic. I will admit I have actually vomited due to a hand full of farts. Well, two farts to be exact. And yes, one of them was my own, but I won't go into detail unless I get a resounding bunch of feedback to do so. Which, based on this post, could just happen. (Ladies, wait! Don't click away in disgust, yet, it gets better. Men, this is what drew you in, wasn't it?).

I digress.

Well, no, I don't.

We all know how funny, (most of the time, and at least for a few moments before the stench kicks in), those God-created, floating air biscuits can be. Especially when they come out of the bottom of a kindergarten child in the middle of "circle time." See my status from September 20th, here.

And let's be honest. When you wanna get a laugh, or a good reaction, break out the fart jokes. Tell a good self-deprecating story of a fart on a first date and you're the hit of the party. (Check this blog story out, you will pee, and fart, yourself laughing). Status updates about farts, sports, entertainment, and witty rants to the unknown person, (Dear Lady who cut me off), will always get lots of likes, "lol's", and Haha funny!" Both in real and virtual life.

Consider me guilty! I love all that stuff. (and will continue to generate such content:)

But when you want to do the exact opposite, when you want to completely stop a conversation (online or in real time), elicit comments,  and initiate the immediate chorus of crickets chirping, say something about Jesus.

Cue crickets: ....Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.


Ok, that may be extreme. Or is it?

Let me just say,I'm so glad for those that regularly comment, and share stories of their experiences with God (along with witty postings discussed earlier). I also love engaging with others online who aren't following Jesus, but are interested in a genuine dialogue about God based those postings ( I love how social media can be used like that).

But it might just be me, but I notice a lack in these types of postings since returning to Facebook after my sabbatical. Obviously from my last post, I've been in a different place so maybe I'm just especially sensitive to these things.  But wouldn't you agree that posts we poke fun at life are a lot more interesting to the facebook world then posts where people people ask for prayer (unless a person or pet dies, that people come out in droves), post scripture, or try to be vulnerable? Maybe it's just because that's what's really on our mind most of the time, so we post what's on our mind? (I don't really believe that).

I see a few people regularly write out scripture in their status updates. The comments are usually few. The equivalent of crickets in my opinion.  So,  intentionally I've been commenting and interacting with such posts. because I know as someone who posts similar things, it can be really encouraging to be on the receiving end of even something as small as a "like."

But, I admit, it's easy to pass those posts over scouting out for something juicy funny like those "Some E-cards." (How hilarious and right on are those at times?).

Because, come on, it's just easier, and safer, to not only post the silly stuff, but troll around for the comical comments and pictures.

It just may be too risky to post something deep, or take the time to comment on some one's spiritual authenticity online.  For what if I comment get linked into something I'm not willing to be associated with? We may not post meaningful or spiritual updates for fear our boss, neighbor, or politically minded relative might get offended.

All too often I've thought, if I share my opinion, or detail what God is doing in my life,  I get pigeon holed, or worse yet, what if someone deletes me because I virtually O.D. on God in my postings. (Some of you maybe be fully over THIS blog for that reason).

This type of sharing is risky, and requires a bit of commitment, boldness, and acceptance of what may come.

Otherwise it's just easier to refrain from saying anything at all.

Isn't this true in real life? What if I say too much about God? What if I get mocked for having my Bible in my cubicle, or get rejected trying to initiate prayer or talk about my church?

I've been so convicted both in the real world, and in the virtual world, with wanting to make the time to go be intentional about engaging with God, and engaging with others. And, this comes at a price.
 
What if we interacted intentionally MORE in real life AND in social media about real issues? What if we saw every conversation as the potential to go deep? Then what great stories we could share! We'd probably see a whole lot more interesting updates to comment on...........or ...not.

Ok, another online and real life observation.


One day, in a "Usual Suspects" kind of way,  I noticed most of my posts' comments were all of the female species! I often notice that those willing to interact, share honestly, initiate prayer, and post about deep things are women. To date, all of the people who have come up to me in person to converse about my blogs, are, you guessed it, ladies! (Most of them are related to me, too. Thanks mom and mom-in-law).

What would I do with out you fanatic stay-at-home moms and smart phone working women, taking the time to shout out and share your  responses online. (You obviously have the unfair advantage above men considering that you are so good at sharing your feelings and multi-tasking!).

 But I must admit, one day, hovered over my laptop, I started having doubts about my manhood. Maybe I should be posting about bad referee calls, UFC fights, and monster trucks more or something.

Not sure what to make of it.

Or maybe I'm making a plea. Men? Please! Please?

Join me.I  want to be a man of God, and join other men of God in this interaction. I welcome feedback from you men, and I expect it from you women :)!


So, what are you feeling right now? Are you are uncomfortable, ticked off, annoyed, bored, or even tickled (who says that besides my grandma?) reading this post. If you are any of those. Keep reading. I have one more thought.

How awesome would it be if the the apostles' writings would have included a fart moment with Jesus?

Yes, I said it. Fart and Jesus in the same sentence.

 Ok, now I now I've lost some of you, and others are ready to write a letter to get me fired from PCC.

HERETIC!!

Simmer down, Pharisees, I'm just having some fun.
(And go and read my last post at the bottom # 10). 

I mean, come on! You've never thought about it?  Jesus was human. He got tired, he cried, he bled. I always wonder what it was like for him to deal with bathroom issues, especially in the 1st Century.

 I think about it a lot. And I thank God for toilets and toilet paper.

TMI? Sorry.

Because if those moments were in the Bible, they would solve all my online comment insecurities and  problems. And more men would be posting scripture! Think how many comments those postings would get? Luke 9:75..."and then Jesus farted."

 Just imagine, Peter, John, and the rest of the twelve praying around a fire. Poor guys, it already smelled bad back in those days without deodorant and CK1. They had eaten their fill of fish and bread and Jesus would be teaching them about true discipleship, when all of a sudden he lets a huge one rip. Bartholomew begins to chuckle. James shoots him one of those "Sunday school teacher looks." Peter tries to hold it in but he can't help but burst out in laughter. Then Jesus would smirk, shrug his shoulders, and point the blame finger toward Judas and all the disciples would crack up! Judas would whine, "It wasn't me, everyone blames me," and he would storm out all mad. Jesus would say, "I'm just having some fun," and wink at the other disciples. He'd chase after Judas saying,
"Let's talk about it, Judas! We are men! We were meant to talk about these things. We can joke around AND be deep, too . "

Let the comments, or crickets, begin.