Saturday, August 14, 2010

Human Trafficking: Myself

Wow. I have barley blogged this season of life. I have an excuse. It's summer. Summer is like living one full year in the span of ten weeks. It's like the crazy "J Term" college thing (what is that anyway?) where in 3 weeks of class you fulfill a whole semester of credits. Summers with PCC are always amazingly life changing, fun, full of new life and people, and for me and countless others in our church family and staff it means full schedules. That's why I haven't made time to blog. I really haven't had enough time to do a lot of things I wished I could. So the other day I laughed to myself wishing I had a clone and had a sci-fi-like day dream.
I dreamed if I could clone myself-- I could do so much more. I could go to every event I wanted to attend and was unable, participate in all the great happenings summer had to offer. I would make TONY#2 do all the things I can't do in a normal day. I'd (Tony#1) stay home with my wife and kids and send my clone out to make appearances at parties, concerts, hospitals, birthdays, weddings, funerals, meetings etc. Tony#1 would get enough sleep, hang out with people, and still be on top of all the bills while Tony#2 would get up early to work-out (somehow both bodies would share the same affect of exercise) and he would stay up late answering emails, returning calls and texts. I'd even make him get another job to earn some extra money-(cause I've got dental bills to pay) maybe waiting tables cause I've got some experience in that.  Life would be great and with out complaint. Than seriously within minutes it hit me...that I was actually coming up with a plan for trafficking myself. I was dreaming of cloning a being in which to force labor upon him. I actually saw images in my head of ME in chains being ordered around be ME and forcing work on me. Wow. It was time to set me free.
It was a deep moment where I realized the twistedness of my brain. I actually needed to apologize to God and change my thinking!  I'm so prone to feel guilt for things in which I can't do or wish I could do more. If it were up to me (and if I refused to take my wife's wise counsel) I'd be burning my candle at both ends, out every night, "doing great stuff" but depleting myself in an incredibly unhealthy way. This is perhaps a theme and challenge of my life, being STILL (my word for the season) and finding value and worth in God and his love alone. I really enjoy doing things, helping people, and serving but I there are too many good things for one person to be able to do them all. And at times I slip often believing that when  I am doing and working (albeit great things) than I have attained or earned God's love and favor. But God created limitations for good reasons. He created me, all humans,  with a need for sleep, dependence on him and others, and the IN-ABILITY to be omni-present so that others would become interdependent on each other and wouldn't be dependant on one person, especially one pastor. I was humbled as I thought of myself "trying so hard to be like God" that I was even stepping over lines TRYING TO BE GOD. My mind is still wrapping around this. I've had to let things go, disappoint people, and say no (to great "godly" things)  even when it hurts to do so. I'm reminded God calls me to sacrifice but doesn't call me TO BE Him, just BE LIKE Him, and even he rested at creation and Jesus found many moments to rest and pray alone. God I'm sorry. God renew my mind. God, thank you for saving me and creating me, only ONE me. Thank you for setting me free..from me.

1 comment:

Autumn said...

Sounds like the movie "Multiplicity"!